Survival Guide Series - How to Survive a Horror Movie

Have you ever been in a bad situation and you wish you had a survival guide?  Oh come on, you know you’ve been in a jam a time or two…didn’t know which way to turn or how to get out? So, you’ve never used a road map or GPS? Ah, so you have. Well, how about a situation that isn’t charted on a map or GPS?

How to Survive in a Horror Movie

1. Say what? If your 6 year old suddenly stars speaking in Latin, Aramaic or some other language not heard of since before Moses was a baby – now is NOT the time to proclaim yourself the parent of a genius – seek immediate help.
2. I see bugs. If your heretofore pristine home seems to suddenly have more bugs and spiders than a proverbial roach motel – CHECK OUT!
3. Two’s company, three’s a crowd. You've heard that before, right? How about, there’s safety in numbers? Well, it’s true – at least as safe as you can be in a horror movie situation. In other words, don’t split up. If the big bad – and let’s face it, creepy- comes a ’calling, this is not the time for division in the ranks.
4. Location, location, location. Before you move into a new house, check out the history of the new place. Not only that but check the local papers – as far back as the historical records will allow. If you discover that the house sits on a burial site, a civil war battlefield or the house was the scene of a grisly murder involving inbred cannibals – you may want to consider a different Realtor and a new address. If your heart’s set on this place…well, at least you've been warned.
5. All by myself. No I don’t mean the song. What I mean is if you’re in the house by yourself and you hear someone moving around in the house, don’t go investigate. Seriously, you’re upstairs in bed, you live alone, you have no pets and you hear what sounds like footsteps running around downstairs. Guess what? It isn't you. Beyond that, who cares who or WHAT it is? Get out of bed, lock the bedroom door and call the National Guard, Marines or at least the police!
6. Usain Bolt ain’t got nothing on me. This is a key survival step. And it’s important that you pay attention and do it well…RUN! Now, I’m not talking about a leisurely little jog – the sort that the sorority girls do in order to stay a size 2. No, I mean RUN! Full-out, feet slapping the asphalt, elbows pumping, chest heaving, tears streaming RUNNING!
7. Hide and Seek. There was a reason you played this game as a kid. It was to hone your evasion skills should you ever find yourself in a horror movie. The object was to not be found until you could reach safety (base). Well, same rules apply…sort of. You want to evade detection until the big bad – and let’s face it- creepy is captured or killed by the National Guard (why is it always the Guard that’s called out?) or Police. So when you find your hiding spot, remember you’re trying not to get caught. No since breathing like an asthmatic in dire need of an inhaler…unless the big bad – and let’s face it –creepy is deaf.
8. Apples and oranges. Yes, both fruit but they are different. Similarly, there are different types of big bad – and let’s face it creepy. How you deal with them – ok survive them – hinges upon knowing the differences. Take a vampire, for instance. Rumor has it that a liberal dousing of Holy water, a smattering of garlic while wearing a silver cross should keep old Fang Mouth at bay. But you try those tricks on say a zombie or your everyday homicidal maniac and you’re liable to just tick them off. So, know your fruits!
9. Everything in moderation. A horror movie isn't the time to test your limits. That includes, drinking, drugging, sexing (is that a word, Mr. Webster?) or just partying in general. For one thing, it impairs your ability to run and hide. For another, it seems to really chap the hide of the big bad – and let’s face it creepy. Maybe it’s because they weren't invited to party or they just can’t stand to see someone have fun or maybe their babysitter was drinking, drugging, sexing (still waiting, Mr. Webster) or just partying while they should have been babysitting – and the big bad – and let’s face it creepy drowned or well, you get the picture.
10.  Swing for the fences. If you find yourself in the clutches of the big bad – and let’s face it creepy don’t curl into a ball and start crying. If you’re going to go down, go down swinging. I mean fight with everything you have. I mean, what do you have to lose, right? Kick, punch, bite – okay, ewww – but do it anyway. You never know when you might get in a lucky shot and that shot’s all you need. It worked for Busta Rhymes.

Peace,

Mackgurl